the week in sports 2/5/18

Welcome to Secure the Bag. Welcome to Secure the Bag. It's the Weekend Update meets the sports world. It's the intersection of topical sports news, topical business news, and, occasionally, topical ointments.

The Cleveland Indians made headlines this week when they announced the removal of their controversial Chief Wahoo logo. The move was long overdue, but leaves them with a (literal) spot to fill. I propose that they replace the logo with a picture of Andrew Jackson - because no one is better at taking over real estate formerly held by Native Americans.

In a huge story in the NBA, the Detroit Pistons made a win-now move and traded for Kendall Jenner's lover, Blake Griffin. Many are speculating that this move to Detroit will be the end to Kendall and Blake's affair. I suggest Blake maximizes his time in Detroit by partnering with Barnes & Noble - it's a great place to go if you no longer have a Kindle in your life.

As part of the trade, Boban Marjanovich is headed to Los Angeles to play for the Clippers. Boban's first move should be to call Disneyland and try and strike up a partnership. They've historically been very accepting of using spokespeople with huge ears.

In some unfortunate NBA news, John Wall is going to miss approximately 2 months with a minor knee surgery. No one has been more supportive for the Wizards organization than the US Border Patrol. They know just how hard it is to do your job without a Wall.

Among all of the NBA story lines from the last week, few were more surprising than the news that the Cleveland Cavaliers' coach. Tyronne Lue, is safe from losing his job. The Cavs are reportedly celebrating keeping the Lue safe by giving out limited edition bathroom keys.

Let's move on to the small game that was played in the NFL on Sunday night.

The Patriots defense had an awful game and the Nick Foles-led Eagles scored at will all night long. When looking for a way to defend himself, Pats' defensive coordinator Matt Patricia should look no further than the Dow Jones, the only thing that gave up more points this week. 

Malcolm Jenkins laid a brutal hit on Patriots receiver, Brandin Cooks, that resulted in him entering concussion protocol. If Cutthroat Kitchen is ever looking for a new host, Jenkins seems like the obvious choice, because no one is better at messing with a Cooks head.

Even a Super Bowl loss can't stop the TB12 corporation from finding success. Just after the game, TB12 released their new bluetooth headset. Tom says it's perfect for a guy like him because he doesn't have to use his hands. 

More to come in the next week with a deeper dive into some Super Bowl commercials as well as all the news that's soon to unfold with the NBA trade deadline.