The Week in Sports 1/29/18

Welcome to Secure the Bag. It's the Weekend Update meets the sports world. It's the intersection of topical sports news, topical business news, and, occasionally, topical ointments.

The Carolina Panthers are still up for sale, but they should jump all over this partnership. After the whole "Jeans Friday" incident under ownership of Jerry Richardson, I think everyone around the Panthers would love a work environment that involves less "checking out". 

The launch of Amazon Go this week was far from seamless. The lines were outrageously long outside the store (to get inside a store with no line). No one should be more excited about this launch than Seahawks QB, Russell Wilson, who finally has the chance to stand behind an effective line in Seattle.

It was a huge week of news in the NBA. The headlines never seemed to stop coming. None of them more shocking, perhaps, than the news that known cyborg, Kawhi Leonard, apparently wants out of town. Their problems, however, can easily be resolved with a slight re-brand. There's no better way to keep your robot close.

What if I told you that with one addition to your car you could eliminate the risk of hitting a deer? Introducing my newest product, the Jason Kidd hood sticker.

The All-Star teams were announced this week and there were several noteworthy snubs, Paul George included (update: he was announced as Boogie's replacement). I found the natural solution, a partnership with someone that's much more inclusive of PG-13.

President Trump announced a steep tariff on the imports of essential parts to solar panels this week. The solar panel industry is unsure how they're going to be able to maintain. My piece of advice would be to hire on Phoenix GM Ryan McDonough as a consultant - no one knows more about overpaying for production from a Sun.

In a real dick-headed move, Bank of America is going to eliminate their no-fee checking accounts and start charging a fee to accounts with a low balance. If they wanted to know how to get richer by picking on the poor, they could have just hired Danny Ainge.

Vince McMahon's long-awaited announcement of the XFL came this week, and, for some reason, people are pretending to care. In reality, we all know that this league is never going to compete with the NFL and will be a far inferior product. If the XFL really wants to capitalize on people pretending to care for a very short period of time, I know who they need to strike a deal with.

This last one really saddens me. Heads need to roll at MSU. Several members of their leadership are going to need to find new jobs in the very near future. I hate to give such a good idea to people who have covered up such terrible things, but I think this is a great way for them to rebound.