The Week in Sports 2/12/19

Welcome to Secure the Bag. It's the Weekend Update meets the sports world. It's the intersection of topical sports news, topical business news, and, occasionally, topical ointments. Lots of basketball news to get into this week, but lets begin in the NFL.

It was an eventful week for my Indianapolis Colts as Josh McDaniels retracted his acceptance of becoming the newest coach of the organization. Eventually, Chuck Pagano's replacement was named in Frank Reich, the former OC for the Eagles. In light of this hire, the Colts are planning on opening up a meat market to show that if you don't want chuck, you can always have a frank.

During the Super Bowl, Pas Tight End Rob Gronkowski's home was burglarized. The burglar claims the incident stemmed from a misunderstanding between the him and his friend over a text that said "Rob the tight end" instead of "Rob, the tight end,"

Elon Musk successfully launched his Falcon Heavy shuttle into space this week. Musk was called shortly after by Arthur Blank and offered the job as Offensive Coordinator, citing how refreshing it was to finally find someone that can manage a Falcon's aerial strategy.

In some college basketball news, Michael Porter Jr announced that he's willing to sacrifice his health and come back to play for Missouri at some point this season. This quickly drew the attention of US Drug Enforcement, as they know that there's only one reason someone would be in such a rush to get back to Columbia.

Now to the NBA, the league that never stops exciting, and this week was no different. 

Unfortunately, Knicks' star Kristaps Porzingis tore his ACL early last week and will be done for nearly a year. Everyone was devastated, except for known Porzingis-lover Jen Selter, who was thrilled that Kristaps will be spending a lot of time down on one knee.

The trade deadline was rather uneventful outside of the Cavaliers, but as always, they brought their fair share of drama. 

One of the biggest pieces of the Cavs' moves was the acquisition of Rodney Hood from the Jazz. As consequence from the trade, there is officially nothing Hood left in the entire state of Utah.

In exchange for Hood, the Jazz acquired veteran guard Derrick Rose from the Cavs. Rose was immediately bought out by the Jazz. Lucky for Derrick, this time of year there's a huge buyer's market for Roses.

In one of the smaller details of the Cavs' trades, Dwyane Wade was traded back to the Miami Heat. While he loves playing in Miami, Wade was unsure about having to go down south, as he's become pretty accustomed to someone going down south for him.

Isaiah Thomas is headed to the Lakers - so in honor of his new, Hollywood lifestyle, I figured it would be fitting to think of this last bit as a movie. I'll just leave this here...