This time of year, everyone is predicting who will win the Oscars in each category. Quite frankly, I don't care about what some high-brow movie critic thinks of a screenplay. I present you, instead, with a collection of awards for the things that we, the common folk, care about in some of the year's best movies.

Most Unlikely Relationship:

Belle and the Beast, Beauty and the Beast

Elisa and the Water Monster, The Shape of Water

Mildred and James (they went on a date, it counts), 3 Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Winner: Logan and the old white lady, Get Out

In 2017, we learned that having sex with a giant monster was more beneficial than getting involved with a racist white woman. That, plus the age difference, gave this lovely couple the nod.

Best Food:

Strip Club Wings, I, Tonya

Key Lime Pie from the prejudiced diner, Shape of Water

Poisonous Mushrooms, Phantom Thread

Winner: Boiled Eggs, The Shape of Water

This one was a real barn-burner. Eating mushrooms that you know are going to poison you must mean that they're wildly delicious. However, this water monster presumably could've requested anything from the cafeteria in the lab, but continued to just … — This one was a real barn-burner. Eating mushrooms that you know are going to poison you must mean that they're wildly delicious. However, this water monster presumably could've requested anything from the cafeteria in the lab, but continued to just want copious amounts of eggs - Elisa must have this recipe mastered.

Most Racist:

The police force, 3 Billboards

Every white person involved, Get Out

Ray Romano when he asks about 9/11, The Big Sick

Winner: Every audience member of Spider Man: Homecoming who was surprised that Michael Keaton's daughter was half-black.

Most Tragic Death:

The kid on the boat, Dunkirk

Everyone in the war, Dunkirk

Everyone, Coco

Winner: The cat, The Shape of Water

Not a cat person, but this just wasn't an ideal way to go. Somehow, the characters seemed to get over it rather quickly.

Best Billboard:

Billboard #1, 3 Billboards

Billboard #2, 3 Billboards

Billboard #3, 3 Billboards

Winner: The Room billboard, The Disaster Artist

Upset of the year! All 3 Billboards from a movie about billboards get the snub.

Best Athlete

Track star grandpa, Get Out

Football Tommy, The Disaster Artist

Tonya Harding, I, Tonya

Winner: Reynolds, Phantom Thread

All this man does is walk up these ridiculous flights of stairs all day long. In conjunction with his daily walks, this guy's calves have to be top notch.

Best Heroic Boat Storyline:

Half the movie, Dunkirk

Winner: Spider Man with the Staten Island Ferry

We were lucky enough to get 2 nominees this year - some years there aren't any that qualify

Best Use of Sound:

All the war stuff, Dunkirk

The adorable guitar playing, Coco

Winner: The Toast Scene, Phantom Thread

I have not been able to make toast without being self-conscious since I saw this scene. Truly jarring stuff.

Most Intimate Underwater Scene:

Fish Sex, Shape of Water

Winner: Torpedo Scene, Dunkirk

After tons of nominations without a win, Dunkirk finally gets its win in in the final category. Many had the fish sex scene as a lock this year in this esteemed category, but I have to disagree. The way these mates help each other out in dire t… — After tons of nominations without a win, *Dunkirk* finally gets its win in in the final category. Many had the fish sex scene as a lock this year in this esteemed category, but I have to disagree. The way these mates help each other out in dire times is truly beautiful. Intimacy comes in many forms.

That wraps up this year's common people's Oscars. A truly fantastic year in film. Two nominees in the Best Heroic Boat Scene and Intimate Underwater Scene categories - truly a treat (while it does seem like the directors are pandering to the category a bit). Thanks to all the filmmakers for a wonderful year in cinema and thanks to The Academy for their months of hard work to determine these awards.

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The Common People's Oscars