The Adventures of Z-Spain

As I took my first steps in Barcelona, I was struck by just how many things felt different - from the language barrier to the tiny cars to the lack of obese people, I knew I was in a very foreign place. While I had traveled all over the US in my first 24 and 11/12 years on earth, this was my first time abroad (with apologies to the Rainforest Cafe on the Canadian side of Niagara Falls). As I walked down a cobblestone street (which did not hurt my feet at all because I opted for the extra-cushioned Birkenstocks) I searched for a sign of familiarity. I hadn’t gone far when I saw a beacon of light up ahead of me. Within minutes of my arrival to Spain, I was greeted by the site of two familiar faces on a bus stop advertisement - maybe this place wasn’t so different after all.

Out of fear that the language barrier was going to be too much to handle (after all, i minored in Spanish for Business not regular Spanish as it required several more courses), the journey began at the Arc de Triomf, which I was confident in translating to the Arc of Triumph. After that, we (my super hot girlfriend and I) ventured to the beach where we supported local business by buying a tapestry to lay on from a man selling them on the beach. Because I’m so well versed in the new US Constitution, we only paid 5 euro instead of his original asking price of 10. After getting checked into our hotel by an 11 year old Aryan, it was time to decide what to get for dinner. We knew it would be silly to go to Spain and not try their world famous tacos, so we opted for Taqueria Tamarindo and had a lovely meal.

Much of day two was fittingly spent on two wheels. We rented bikes from a local shop and pedaled our way around town. Being the avid fans of football (soccer) that we are, we stopped by the ticket office of FC Barcelona’s stadium. We knew Barca wasn’t playing, but hoped that we’d be able to catch a smaller match (game) while we were there. The man at will call seemed quite confused by our request, and politely informed us that the building we were at was not FC Barcelona’s stadium, but rather a shopping mall. We spent our afternoon touring one of the most beautiful buildings in the world, La Sagrada Familia, and decided to try Spain’s other signature dish, paella, for dinner. The paella was okay - personally I think they should stick to tacos.

Europe started to feel different again on day three as we watched (as fans of the game) a trio of topless women play paddle-ball on the beach. While this may sound sexy to some, I can assure you that I’d prefer to only watch clothed paddle-ball for the rest of my life. We laid out for hours that day and relaxed to the sound of unauthorized salesmen trying to sell mojitos, tapestries - and occasionally samosas - to uninterested beach-goers. We couldn’t get enough of the fresh Spanish air that day and opted to sit outside at a well-reviewed pizzeria near our hotel for dinner. The pizza was excellent, and the old man at the table next to us was kind enough to smoke his pipe and blow it in our faces for the entire duration of our meal.

On our last day in Spain, we decided to treat ourselves - en route to Parc Guell we stopped at a convenience store on a steep hill and spent 3 euro on a baguette, some cold cut turkey and a package of cheese. We made sandwiches for lunch and my girlfriend did that weird thing people do where they carve out the inside of their bread. Parc Guell was originally built to be a living community for the wealthy, but the plan was never actualized, so it’s just a bunch of beautiful, unoccupied buildings and an incredible view. You could say that Parc Guell has a stunning exterior but a hollow interior, not unlike my girlfriend’s sandwich.

The next morning we took a flight from Barcelona down to Lisbon. Not to brag, but I used points to book our flights. That detail is entirely irrelevant to you, but it sounds pretty gangster to say you used points to buy something, as if you’ve circumvented the concept of currency entirely. Our Airbnb in Lisbon was an absolute gem featuring an amazing location next to Castelo de S. Jorge, a beautiful view of the city, and wild peacocks atop our roof. If you’re wondering which of those three features excited me the most, I’ll save you some time and let you know it was the third one. We started our Portuguese adventures with a trip to the aforementioned Castelo de S. Jorge, and it provided an absolutely stunning view of the city. What was the best part of the castle? Hmm. I’d have to say it was THE WILD PEACOCKS! Look at these things! Those tie-dyed turkeys were so beautiful and aside from things like not having universal healthcare I’d say not having wild peacocks is the US’s biggest shortcoming.

We spent the rest of our day exploring all over Lisbon, which is a unique city because you’re always walking uphill and never go back down. For dinner that night, we went to a small, local restaurant that would be described as “cozy” in most American Yelp reviews. After a long day of walking, nothing sounds better than being forced to sit in close quarters and talk to strangers, so you can imagine how thrilled we were with the communal seating. We were placed at a 4 person table and seated next to a man, about 30, who was there on his own. In order to look at the dessert case we had to keep looking right past him, so we struck up a conversation - it would’ve felt rude not to. His name was Tony and he was traveling alone from Germany while he was between jobs. He told us all about Germany’s welfare system he was exploiting while he was job hunting and we even tried each other’s food and drink (either a sign of a budding friendship or a sign that we were really tired and our guard was down). Things got really interesting when Tony asked us about Americans’ perceptions of Germans - we did an admirable job not bringing up their asshole with the goofy mustache, and he didn’t bring ours up either. After a lovely dinner, we left sort of abruptly because my girlfriend was tired and hadn’t had ice cream in a few hours. I felt bad we didn’t exchange numbers and tell him how nice it was. Tony, wherever you are, I hope you see this. German government who doesn’t know that Tony is abusing its welfare system, I hope you don’t.

The next morning, we met a stranger and got in the back of their van (Airbnb does a really beautiful job of making this concept not seem terrifying). We, along with 6 other people, rode with our tour guide from Lisbon to Portugal’s most visited town, Sintra. Along the way, our tour guide pointed out an old aqueduct that was no longer in use. One of our tour mates, a cross country coach named Abel, responded that it was a “lame duct”, and I was the only one who laughed. We had an amazing tour with Rute (a pretty perfect name for a tour guide) and this was one of my favorite days on the trip. I could do a whole post about this day alone, but this is already too long, so here’s a picture of me and a sequoia tree instead.

Europe’s ability to embrace history is a huge factor in making much of the continent so special. Unfortunately, it also has led to them refusing to embrace automatic transmission on their vehicles. It was brought to our attention (by our good pal Tony) a couple nights before we planned to rent a car that there are almost no automatic cars available in Europe. While I’m sure I could learn to drive stick, the Portuguese mountains didn’t seem like the ideal place to practice. As a result of our own stupidity, we poetically were forced to book a Smart car. Upon arriving to the car rental shop, we were informed that Smart cars had no room for luggage at all and were forced to upgrade to their only other automatic option, a Mercedes Benz hatchback that ran on diesel.

Nonetheless, our trip carried on, and we headed south for Lagos. In order to avoid tolls and see the beautiful Portuguese coast, we used a slightly slower, alternate route. While our plan was solid, we were disappointed to discover that our entire route ran near the coast, but not along it, so we saw more goat farms than beach towns. Regardless, the drive down to Lagos was one of the most fun drives of my life. We cruised through the mountains in our Benz and I went over 100 half the time (km/hr, but it’s still fun to see 100 on your speedometer). Our Airbnb host gave us a cartoon tri-fold map of Lagos upon our arrival and circled some of her favorite spots (a really nice touch, Beatriz) Since we had a car, she showed us on the map where the free parking lot just up the street was. After nearly an hour circling around the entirety of Lagos in our diesel Benz, there was still no sign of this free parking lot, and I began to wish we had a real map not a cartoon one. We eventually gave up and parked in a garage for the night.

I haven’t talked about food in a few paragraphs, so let’s talk about what we ate the next day. We spent our morning exploring one of the beaches to the west, with some of the clearest water I’ve ever seen, and headed to Poke Lagos for lunch. Because I grew up exclusively in land-locked places, I never acquired the taste for seafood, so I got chicken. After an afternoon on the beaches to the east (which included an even jigglier rendition of topless paddle ball), we went to a classic beach-town seafood shack for dinner. My girlfriend got a hearty tuna steak and I got some grilled pork ribs with french fries because I’m a toddler. If you’re thinking, “Oh my gosh Zach you went to a European beach town and didn’t get any seafood you’re such a nerd I can’t believe I’m still reading your stupid post on your stupid site”, I would first ask you to calm the hell down, and then I’d inform you that we got shrimp as our appetizer. We ordered fried (see previous landlocked comment), but they gave us grilled, and I actually quite enjoyed it.

One part of the trip we had really been looking forward to came on our last day - a kayak tour of the Bengali caves. It wasn’t until we arrived that we learned we were taking a tour of the Benagil caves, and had been pronouncing it incorrectly for several months. You may have noticed that this trip centered much more around food than exercise, so we welcomed our kayak tour as a bit of a workout class as well as a sightseeing excursion. Our lat-blasting tour led us to some beautiful caves and our tour guide Mario even made a top-notch Al-Qaeda joke which, much like the aqueduct joke, only drew a laugh from me. The only thing that could top the humor of his joke was the Spanish couple on the tour with us who repeatedly ran their kayak into rocks and was on the verge of divorce by the time they reached land.

Since it was our last day, we were trying to not take out too much cash that we’d have to convert when we got back in the US. We headed to lunch with 30 euro in our pocket, thinking that would be enough. Even though we weren’t in Spain anymore we were still craving tacos and headed to a really trendy, cash-only taqueria. As we scanned the menu, all I could think about was our 30 euro cap on our meal, and I was so flustered that I ordered fish tacos. I relaxed when I realized that our meal would add up to 27 euro, and ended up really enjoying my fish tacos. With 3 euro left, we scanned the local markets after our meal for our own paddle ball set, but were troubled to discover that the “Algarve Summer Fun” set cost 4.50. Luckily, the shop owner accepted card, and we were on our way. We played topped (well I was topless) paddle ball for hours on the beach as the sun set in Lagos, and we celebrated Europe one last time for dinner by eating Indian food.

Much like the rest of our trip, our journey homeward went smoothly. As we waited in the customs line in Madrid on our layover, we saw a couple panicking that they were going to miss their flight. They sprinted (for the first time in years) around the customs line to the agent to yell that they were going to miss their flight - we were glad that we weren’t cutting it close like them. Back and forth they ran around the customs line in a frenzy before someone eventually let them cut in line. One woman forbid them from cutting the line any further, as she claimed to be on the same flight as them, and told them to relax. It turned out that all three were on our flight back to New York, and there was an hour until takeoff. Aside from reading the Portuguese Mcdonald’s menu, finding out this couple was on the same flight as us may have been the hardest we laughed all trip.

There were several movies to choose from on our flight back to New York (I opted for Lego Batman), but the real in-flight entertainment came from watching our seat mate. With a half hour left to go in A Star Is Born (you know, before the sad part) I looked over to see a 35 year old man (who appeared to work in finance so I naturally felt no sympathy toward him) balling his eyes out. We could’ve taken a kayak tour of the puddle of tears he left on his tray table. After a Star is Born, he opted for something less emotional and was watching a Rafael Nadal documentary. Low and behold, when Rafa beat Fed at Wimbledon in 2008, an equally emotional outpouring of tears ran down his face. As we landed, he was in the middle of watching a Whitney Houston documentary - I hope no one told him how that one ends.

All in all, it was one of the most amazing trips of my life, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t thank the one who kept me on my feet and got me around for these 10 days. It was a pleasure traveling the world with you, and I couldn’t imagine doing this trip with anyone else. I love you so much.

Oh and her. She was pretty great too.