A Bit of Fiction
It’s Sunday morning. The sun beams through the bedroom window as Sawyer hops out of bed. In order to make room for his gun rack in his room, Sawyer opted for a twin-size bed. This would’ve been embarrassing for a grown man like himself, but it turned out to be a stroke of good fortune, as Amazon had an American Flag comforter that was only available in twin-size. It wasn’t disrespectful to use the flag in such a way, of course, as Sawyer felt there was nothing more patriotic than to literally wrap himself in the flag every night.
Sawyer pulls up his Levi’s 550s as he begins his day. He goes to put on his shoes as he heads out the front door. He normally would wear cowboy boots, but he’s headed into town today, and his feet were sore from kicking so much Liberal ass. His go-to sneakers, Nike Air Monarchs in a 4E width, are still smoldering out in the firepit out back after seeing Colin Kaepernick’s latest ad, so he opts for his grass-cutting Under Armours, which he ordered the day Kevin Plank was seen acting as a consultant for his favorite president, Mr. Donald Trump.
Sawyer walks past his fleet of Harley Davidsons as he heads to his truck. Tucked around the back of his house, not able to be seen by his neighbors, is his Yamaha motorbike, which he regretfully admits is faster than his Harleys for his street races. Draped on the rear window of his jet-black truck is a number 3 decal with wings to honor the late, great Dale Earnhardt. He scales his step-rail and hops into his F-150, a real truck.
Before he can get his iPod classic out of his middle console to play his favorite song, “Comin to Your City” by Big n Rich, on single repeat, the radio plays. Sawyer is shocked to hear the host announce that Levi’s has just donated over $1 million to gun-control reform. There’s no way he will allow himself to be seen in public in a pair of Second Amendment-infringing jeans, so in a state of distress, he takes off his Levi’s and heads towards the firepit out back.
As he walks, he thinks about how difficult it will be to find a new pair of jeans, as he’s been wearing 550s for years. Wrangler seems like a natural transition, but then Sawyer remembers that Brett Favre is their spokesperson - as a Tulane grad, he could never support a brand that’s represented by an alumnus of Southern Mississippi, Tulane’s biggest rival. Dickies seems like another viable option, but given Sawyer’s wide-set hips and the smaller nature of Dickies’ front pockets, concealing and carrying would be nearly impossible. Instead of throwing them in the fire pit, he decides to fold up his Levi’s and tuck them out back behind his Yamaha - just in case he can’t find anything else that contours to his shape like the relaxed fit of the 550s.
Since he doesn’t have any pants, Sawyer decides to cancel his plans in town and stay home. Besides, what better way to spend a Sunday than at home watching TV in his underwear? His briefs are Hanes - despite how great he felt his ass looked in them, Sawyer stopped wearing Calvin Kleins after discovering that Klein has donated more than $250,000 to the Democratic Party since 1980.
As he flips through the channels, he can’t believe the disrespect that he’s seeing on his screen. Anchors on all the news channels are discussing President Trump’s recent degrading comments towards southerners (which are made up, of course). After scrolling past channel after channel of fake news, he finally finds a channel talking about something other than fabricated stories about his nation’s great leader - the Cowboys game. Sawyer is no fan of the NFL and its preposterous kneeling, but he knows that Cowboys’ owner, Jerry Jones, is a true patriot who will stand for the anthem with his cap removed and hand over his heart. If it was any other team, he wouldn’t make the exception, but he feels no shame in lining the pockets of an exceptional man like Mr. Jones.
Proud of his work as an American and a rebel, Sawyer reclines back in his chair to watch the Silver and Blue (jerseys made by Nike) take on the 49ers (Colin Kaepernick’s former team) on the road (at Levi’s Stadium) ... He showed them.