An Experience Unlike Any Other
Last night, I saw Avengers: Infinity War in theater (for the third time). My roommate hadn’t seen it yet, and as an AMC Stubs A-List Member, I didn’t mind seeing the cinematic masterpiece yet again. Although the movie is out on DVD already, as an eternal money-maker, it’s still airing in theaters at the AMC Empire 25 in Times Square.
For those who have been to this theater, you know that it’s certainly not the most glamorous moviegoing establishment on the planet. Quite frankly, it’s probably the worst theater I’ve been to in Manhattan. While the Regal across the street has plush reclining chairs, the AMC still has old, wooly seats covered with sweaty tourist residue (STR) – and they don’t recline.
Alas, it’s a movie theater. I’m not picky. I’m there to see a movie on a large screen, not be pampered. For most of the movie, things were going great. I did notice that there were a few (seemingly) homeless men that kept coming in and out of the theater and sitting in random seats. I’m usually pretty anxious in movie theaters, so that type of movement makes me nervous. If you leave a movie theater and come back in, I’m expecting you to either have a tub of popcorn in hand or a look on your face of pure post-urination relief - anything else feels suspicious. Regardless, their movement wasn’t enough to keep me from enjoying the site of my favorite heroes fighting off their purple CGI nemesis.
As the movie neared its climax, I sat on the edge of my seat and leaned forward. Despite knowing exactly what was about to happen, I was absolutely enthralled. As I leaned in, a man in the row in front of me, one seat to the left, turned back to me with a look of surprise. We made brief eye contact, but both turned and continued to watch the battle on Titan.
I wasn’t able to sit leaned forward for very long. I was met with an unfathomable musty odor and discovered that the man who had turned around to look at me was the source of the putrid smell. I relaxed in my chair and leaned back, anxious for the smell of the STR to fill my nostrils instead. After a few seconds, all was normal again.
Not even two minutes later, I noticed a rustling from the man in front of me. Again, I operate under the assumption that anyone in a movie theater could have a gun, so I needed to investigate his rustling in order to feel at ease. I peered over the row of STR-laden chairs to see a bright light reflecting off of a round head – and I’m not talking about Vision. That’s right. While Thor was taking over the battle of Wakanda with his new hammer, this man was busy wielding a hammer of his own. I have never been so unsure of how to handle a situation.
There were two open seats to the right of this man, and then two girls occupying the next two seats. These girls had been absolutely loving Infinity Wars. You know how Marvel has a borderline ridiculous fan base that just enjoys everything Marvel a little too much? That’s how these girls were. They clapped, they laughed way too hard at B+ jokes, and they danced in their seats as if the music used for the Guardians was an original score. I’m really not sure how such committed Marvel fans hadn’t gotten the chance to see Marvel’s biggest movie until now, but who am I to judge? (An AMC Stubs A-List Member, that’s who)
Upon seeing the man fondling his own infinity stones, my immediate reaction was to follow his eyes. If he was jerking off to the movie, it would be weird. However, I’m sure he wouldn’t be the first man to pleasure himself to the sight of Scarlett Johannsen (or Chadwick Boseman, depending on his sexual preference) in a leather suit. If he was getting after it to the sight of the two girls in his row giggling at Chris Pratt jokes, it would be an arrestable offense.
I tracked his eyes and found that neither the former nor the latter seemed to be the case. It appeared as if he was looking just to the right of the screen – maybe at the EXIT sign. Emergency exit fetishes are not something I’m familiar with, but who am I to rule it out? (An AMC Stubs A-List Member) Maybe it was the rumble of the Dolby surround sound that was getting him in the zone. I’m not sure. I just knew that he clearly wasn’t looking at the girls or the movie itself.
As I continued to be distracted by a $400 million movie reflecting on the head of a potentially homeless man’s penis hanging out of the leg of his hiked-up shorts, I knew I had a decision to make. Should I yell and cause a scene? Should I take a picture and immediately go report him to AMC/the police? Despite my GED, double-major, double-minor, and elective classes to better myself, no teaching in my life had prepared me for this moment.
So, what did I do?
Nothing. Literally nothing.
I couldn’t bring myself to humiliate this man. Despite his perversions, the reality was that he wasn’t actually bothering anyone. My roommate, the 2 girls, and approximately 30 other people in the theater were all entranced by the battle for the Time Stone, and I couldn’t bring myself to interrupt their viewing experience to call out a man who was rubbing one out to the ambiance of EXIT signs and Josh Brolin’s rich bass voice. This wasn’t some standalone film or the latest installation in the Fast & Furious series, this was the freaking Avengers! People deserve to enjoy this film for all it’s worth, without interruption.
The second the film was over, the perpetrator tucked it away, got up from his seat, and left. I immediately turned to my roommate and let this weight off my chest. As if he wasn’t rattled enough by the ending of the movie (avoiding spoilers here because my dad hasn’t seen the movie still and he’s one of less than ten people that will read this – hi, Dad!), I dropped the bomb on him that he had been a mere 4 feet from a masturbator for the last 2.5 hours. He was in absolute disbelief. Being the sleuth that I am, I immediately examined the floor in front of the man’s seat to see if he had left any “evidence”. For some reason, if he ejaculated it would’ve made it way creepier, and I definitely would’ve went and found an AMC worker to call the police. He did not - the fate of the universe was at stake and he was merely edging to it.
All in all, this was a terrible experience that I hope I never have to deal with again. Why would he not just go to the bathroom? I know a theater in the heart of Times Square is bound to be a bit trashy, but I expect better. If I wanted to see a bunch of dicks while I was at the movies, I would’ve joined the AMC Stubs D-List instead (crowd goes wild). While my list of complaints is long, I’m just grateful that out of everything I saw last night, there was only one climax.