The Poorest Man on the UES: Laundry Day

Today was a milestone day in my journey as the poorest person on the Upper East Side – Laundry Day. To put it simply, I’m a coin-operated guy in a Dry-Clean-My-Socks neighborhood.

I found a laundromat near me called One-Stop Laundromat, a seemingly perfect destination. I’m strongly opposed to most one-stop solutions – I find that all-in-one body wash/shampoos leave my hair flat and stringy. And without my luscious and voluminous hair that I’m known for, I’m just another dark-haired white guy. I digress, this was a situation where I was glad that I could do everything at once.

As I approached the front door of the laundromat, I was greeted with a sign that read “Self-Serve Laundry, Open ____ Hours. Between “open” and “hours” was a gaping hole reminiscent of a Kindergartener’s toothless smile. My guess is that the store opened with that part of the sign reading “Open 24 Hours”, but they quickly realized that no one on the UES stays up later than 9pm and decided to begin closing at 7:30 instead. As a result, they were now only open 12.5 hours a day, and that wasn’t nearly as catchy on a sign.

Alas, I began my laundry. $4 for a load. A serving of guacamole in this town is nearly as expensive as the cost of clean clothes – it seems that most of Brooklyn is electing for the former. The walls were decorated with an eclectic set of signage that was clearly bought on discount to fill space, and most of the signs had to do with God. Regardless of your beliefs, this didn’t seem like an issue that the big man needed to get involved with. However, if he was, I was optimistic that my shirt collars would retain their shape.

As I made my way to the back to the dryers, I came across the true highlight of this shop – a basket on the wall beneath a painted sign reading “Department of Lost Socks”. This glorious mountain of cotton and polyester blends was undoubtedly the superstar of the laundromat. I would not be surprised in the least to see it displayed as an exhibit in the MoMa in a matter of months and classified as art. The pile was constituted of what appeared to be hundreds of loose socks that had to have accumulated over the course of at least five years. As I collected my load of unfolded swagger, I double, maybe triple-checked the dryer for any leftover socks – The Department wouldn’t be gaining any new members on my watch.

Overall, my experience at One-Stop was wonderful, and I’m sure to be back. When God himself is looking over my laundry, how could I ever go anywhere else?