I Might Have to Dump My Girlfriend

There were a lot of times that I felt like she was the one. Nearly 3 years into our relationship, I’m now beginning to question it all.

My girlfriend and my birthdays are merely 9 days apart. Mine is first. Last night, my girlfriend gave me two of my gifts – Spikeball and Kanjam. What a lucky guy I am. Given my superb coordination and fierce sense of competitiveness in what should be friendly games, I’m a force to be reckoned with in both. I’ve got a friend visiting this weekend and the weather is supposed to be lovely - the timing couldn’t be more perfect.

Well actually, it could - her birthday could be before mine. You see, while my gifts were wonderful, they also happen to be similar to hers for me. By similar I mean nearly identical. I got her Spikeball, Kanjam, and one gift to be named later that I will not disclose here in case she reads this before I give it to her.

I know what you’re thinking, “What a cute couple! They’re so funny for doing that! At least you know you are both getting something you want!”. To a degree, this is true. However, there’s one major flaw – I got her Spikeball Pro, while she only got me the regular set.

This realization was truly piercing. Was I not worth the extra $35 to her? Did she not see value in watching her boyfriend put wizard-like levels of backspin on a spike into an Official Tournament Net secured by a 33% stronger rim? Does she even love me? These are the questions that can derail couples and ruin healthy relationships.

I’m really not sure what to do now or how to move forward. Every time she looks at me now, I know she doesn’t see me as a premium type of guy. If we ever live together, would I buy her double-ply while she stocks my bathroom with single? Would she buy me Toasted Cinnamon Squares at the store instead of Cinnamon Toast Crunch? As a man who has Crohn’s and likes cereal, these types of cutbacks could be deal-breakers.

On top of it all, I now have less than 9 days to return her gifts and think of something new. Wonderful. If you need me this weekend, I’ll be in Central Park trying to think of birthday presents for her while playing Spikeball on a non-Pro set.