Ariana Grande, Stop Crohn's Shaming

I caught a few stray bullets last Friday. I awoke to discover that after I fell asleep, Ariana Grande was feuding with Barstool over whether or not Pete Davidson has “Butthole Eyes”. Ariana cited Pete’s auto-immune disease for his sunken eyes, and shamed Barstool for making fun of him. Her fans, the Arianators (which sounds like a combat division in 1940’s Germany), quickly jumped to her support and bashed Barstool for saying such things about a sickly man.

After seeing this dialogue, I immediately rushed to the bathroom mirror and examined myself. While I can’t say I was looking my finest, there were no noticeable signs of me suffering from a similar affliction. As a well know haver-of-Crohn’s (Crohns Jones on Xbox Live), I couldn’t believe that this was the publicity that my disease was getting. Ariana all but told the world that everyone with Crohn’s, a disease already affiliated with buttholes, has a matching set of eyes.

Aside from getting to take the ACT in a private room in a shorter time period, there isn’t much about having Crohn’s that’s glamorous. I’ll never forget getting roasted in 8th grade science class for missing school to get a colonoscopy – you should’ve heard them roar when they found out it was an upper and lower endoscopy. I mean, just think of the TV commercials that you see for Crohn’s medicine – they make it look like literally the only thing we’re capable of thinking about is poop. Crohn’s is certainly in need of some good PR, and this wasn’t it.

For a moment, I was excited that this was a chance for people to hear about the disease, maybe raise a little extra money for the cause, but that quickly faded when I remembered that Pete Davidson had become the poster child for Crohn’s. Can you imagine being a seafood restaurant who’s known for having a really great chicken sandwich? That’s what having Pete Davidson as the face of your disease is like – it’s not the worst thing in the world, but there are definitely like 35 other options that you would prefer to be known for. The only other “big” name that has Crohn’s is Larry Nance Jr. of the Cavs (this is particularly funny to me because Pete Davidson sort of looks like what would happen if you tried to make a raisin out of Larry Nance Jr.). 

So, thanks a lot, Ariana. I hope you and your Arianators feel good about what you’ve done. When my friends and family make extended eye contact over the next few months I'll know why. Oh, and much to the surprise of the makers of the Crohn’s medicine commercials, I made it through writing this whole thing without needing to take any bathroom breaks.